Decadent Despair
by Hayasaka.Shion
Summary: This is my story. The story of my life - and yours. My pain, my sorrows, my joys and my smiles - they are all here. Read on if you will.


You've always captured me.

Even when you were a little angelic girl, wearing a white dress that only accentuated the effect, you had something others your age didn't. Even now I can't put my finger on it exactly – I can't say what made you so special.

I remember the day you were born. I was a lot younger than I am now – even Mondo didn't have the aged look he sports now. Wrapped in that white cloth, with the really ridiculous patch of orange hair right at the top of your head, you looked like a piece of heaven; like an angel who had mistakenly come to mere humans.

Mondo immediately tried to nickname you Carrot-Top – which earned him a good whack on the head from Sumire, who had recovered surprisingly well. Then he proposed many names – nearly the entire dictionary, I'm sure, along with Dante, but your mother didn't like any of them.

She was pale, but regaining her color rapidly, and had the air of being in a high, high place no one else could reach. I kept silent most of the time. I watched you, as you gawked around with you sparkling green eyes that seemed to me not emeralds, but the green of the purest and most beautiful leaf one could find in any forest.

I think I surprised everyone when I spoke. Certainly I surprised Mondo. I asked if I could have the honor of naming you _Felicità – _it was simple, sweet and meant _happiness _in our native Italian language_. _I didn't think any other name would have fit you so well – you looked like you understood every word I said.

I thought I could allow myself the flattery of thinking you might somehow like it.

Mondo looked startled but happy; Sumire simply smiled; a deep, motherly smile to the baby at her side. "I do believe our Jolly has named my baby," said Mondo. He said it with the mock sadness I had known him so long for.

From where I was leaning against the wall, I walked over to your side, so as to get a better look at you. You grinned a really toothy – no wait, gummy (?) – smile and waved your hands frantically in the air. It just _might _have been joy which made you do that; then again it may not have. Lightly I stroked your cheek with my finger – so soft it was, I've never known a hundred silk pillows to feel more softer – and you just reached out and grabbed it, you cheeky, cheeky baby.

Mondo laughed hysterically – more than he would have if Dante had walked in naked.

"Jolly, you've finally met your match," he said, wiping the tears from the corners of his eyes.

It was embarrassing, to say the least. I'm sure the me of my childhood days would have blushed. Heaven be thanked, I had sufficient control over myself not to.

I lifted you up (with Sumire's consent, of course) and, really, I never saw anyone look more delighted ever. I spun you around once or twice, and I swear I could see the diamonds tripping out from your mouth as you laughed. I'll permit myself, just for the sake of truth, to say that you looked _cute. _

"Well, then," I announced, lifting you high up in the air, "To Mondo and Sumire's daughter, Felicità!"

I brought you down, and then I almost wished I hadn't. Because you did something utterly deplorable after I brought you down. Of course, I don't think you've ever heard of it, since I specifically implored both your parents not to give you any inkling of the fact. If Mondo's told you already, I will hang him upside down and have Sumire whip him until he loses some of that swank of his.

I doubt anyone would believe me, but you _snatched my sunglasses off._

Oh, but that's not the really shocking part. My purple eyes squinted at the sudden exposure to the bright lights of the room, and instantly they widened from shock – because you just somehow managed to _kiss me. _

"Fu – I mean, fig!" said Mondo, at a stern, I-will-murder-you-with-a-stiletto look from Sumire. I think he had to be hospitalized after that. I don't remember very clearly. He had severe, severe cramps from all that laughing he was doing.

If you're laughing at this, you will receive the same treatment as Mondo will. I swear it as sure as my name is Jolly.

Then you grew up. You grew cuter and cuter each day. Your adorability reached an almost irresistible level. You had the entire house wrapped around your little finger, including me. Often Mondo would leave you with me to serve as a babysitter when he had to (or so he said) leave for work that had unexpectedly cropped up somewhere. I myself think it was more to get some private time with his missus.

I made sure to keep you away from the more… er, dangerous sections of the lab, and you were content to be carried by me who waited at your every beck and call wherever you wanted to go.

I showed you things – many, many things I had not shown anyone else and was not likely to do so any time soon. I let you enter that place where very few people managed to enter – I gave you passage to enter my heart. I don't know what made me let my guard down so much around you. Maybe it was because I thought you were just a child.

You liked wearing your hair down. It looked so damn adorable, in that little bob cut, sweeping around your neck whenever you looked, which was almost all the time, here and there. However I made it clear to you that hairstyle was strictly off limits in the lab. Who knew what dangerous bottle I might have carelessly left on a shelf which would, as you innocently passed it by, whisked forward by your hair, fall on you, and scar your flawless body?

Never with anyone else would I have exercised so much caution as with you. Unbeknownst to me, you managed, like the stubborn girl you were, to find a teensy crack in the walls that protected my heart. Inside those walls, I cannot say there was much to say for it. Probably, if you take my statement literally, it was full of cobwebs, with no windows or sources of light, and where the furniture creaked at every move one made. You, however, swirled in there like a storm and filled every inch of it with your sweet, smooth love and care.

So I got you two little hairbands – brown ones, because I remembered you had said you liked brown better than any other color – with a teensy little pink heart on each of them. I tied your soft hair into two baby pigtails.

I'm afraid I wasn't much satisfied or proud with the result.

However, you made up for any dissatisfaction I felt. You inspected yourself from every possible angle in the mirror for, what seemed to me, a very, very long time. I think beads of sweat had broken out on my forehead, I was that concerned about what you thought of it.

Then you nodded approval.

I let out the enormous sigh I didn't realize I'd been holding in, as then you climbed up on my back again, as was your wont. Really, I don't know why I didn't just send one of the men under me to escort you back to Mondo's, where I'm sure he and Sumire were having a great time. Somehow the thought never entered my head. Undoubtedly, that was what I should have done. It would have saved me a great deal of pain and cold nights in the future.

Well, I have never been particularly good at doing the right thing.

So off we went, and you expressing a desire to watch something bright, I burnt a magnesium ribbon for you. I've never told anyone, and I hope that will go with me to the grave, but I was more raptured by the reflection in your eyes rather than the actual ribbon itself. What was its spark compared to your fire?

The stupid, worthless, unnecessary thoughts floated around my mine. Had I been a wiser man, I often wonder at present, and if I had at that moment recognized myself as getting too attached to you for my own good and cut all ties with you, would I still be the person I am now? No, I fancy I would be a good deal as I was before. But I am not so foolish as to think myself strong enough to cut myself off from all the precious bonds we had created.

More likely than not, I would have relapsed in the middle of my no-Felicità program and gone immediately to visit you. That's just the sort of man I am. Once I make bonds it is next to impossible for me to get out of them.

The magnesium ribbon finished burning, the oxide produced falling into the tray below. You watched me as if enchanted while I cleaned the equipment I had just used and put it back in its proper place. Then again you climbed on my back, and I seated you on a high stool I had for you. The truth was, you spent so much time with me in my lab it was a kind of second home to you. Half, or maybe even more, of your things were at my place.

"Joly!" you said. Being young, you had not yet been able to roll the double _l _of my name quite properly, and so resigned yourself to skipping it.

I backed away to the tiny cupboard in the corner of the room, without taking my eyes off you. You might have tripped from that stool. Actually, you _had _done so once before, and you will never see a man receiving a more severe upbraiding from Mondo than I did at the time. Of course, I felt I deserved every inch of it and more.

A little chocolate cookie presented itself to you through my hands, and as your eyes positively shone with excitement you gobbled it all down in what might as well have been a superhuman gulp.

Such was how I spent my days since you had come. Many times you chose simply to lie down beside me and be content staring at the moon. I think you knew that was my element. La luna.

"Ne, Joly?" you said, your little pink lips so adorably bringing out the words I could scarcely concentrate on them.

"Yes, Felicità?"

"Why do Papa and Mamma think that the moon is sad?"

"Doesn't it seem sad to you? Everybody thinks so."

"No," you said, as you took a moment's space to arrange your thoughts properly, "I think it is as happy as the day!"

"How so?"

"I heard that the fairies only come out at night," you told me confidentially, "and also the moon comes out at night. He will get sad if no one wants to look at him as they look at the sun."

"Oh, he will, will he?"

You nodded enthusiastically. "So I will look at him. And Joly will also, with me. You will, right, Joly?"

"Of course," I said. I swear, if anyone in the whole world had offered me all the money or knowledge or power in the world versus spending five minutes with you, I would have picked you, hands down.

It came as a shock to me when Mondo requested me to oversee your contract making, and to find out which card you were compatible with. You were barely five years old at the time.

"Isn't it a bit too soon?" I queried of your father.

He told me it was never too soon to begin training for your future title as Mamma of the family. I had never disliked the hierarchy more than I did at that moment. It seemed to me you were a pure, white, beautiful dove, who was being caged by the rigid traditions of the Arcana Famiglia. Nevertheless, Mondo is an old friend. I agreed.

I wasn't very surprised when you were chosen the Gli Amanti for a host. It seemed to me it fit you perfectly. _The Lovers. _I was, however, surprised (major understatement) when the _Wheel of Fortune _chose you as well. It would take the burden of two cards off Mondo, but I was concerned about you. You were still a child, and I didn't know whether you could take the burden of having two cards sap your strength day and night.

My fears were unfounded, however. You carried on with life as if nothing had happened. We still met a lot, talked a lot and played together with each other a lot.

And then… Mondo collapsed.

Somehow he had hidden the drain in his energy having the entire set of Tarocco live off him caused from the people around him. But he could hide it no longer. Mondo finally gave.

Then I went to work immediately. I realized the predicament Mondo was in. Mondo's life was safe for the moment and his vitals stable, but it wouldn't be so if the drain continued for much longer. I got very busy, almost frenzied. I had very little time to spend with you. The conducting of experiments to find hosts for the other Tarocco, related or unrelated to us by blood, took my almost all of my time. I ate very little and slept even less – almost never.

I will never forget your worrisome face as I grew thinner and thinner, my smiles for only you rarer and rarer. You seemed to have a permanent wrinkle of worry for me lodged right between your eyes, on your forehead.

My shades got darker and darker in an effort to conceal the dark circles under my eyes. Even when I had time to spare two or three hours for sleep, often I could not. The thought of what remained to be done and what was at stake hung over me like a large weight I was forced to carry. In such times I would simply give up after a minute or so and resume my work again.

Sometimes you visited me when I was trying to sleep. You found your way to my room – you knew the building quite well – and put your little hand on my forehead, gently stroking my hair with it.

I won't make excuses – I will say quite plainly that I hated and despised myself more than I ever had before.

I hated myself for worrying you like this, I hated myself for not being able to do anything to help Mondo, I hated myself for _being _myself.

You sung to me a little lullaby from Giappone that your mother had taught you, your cool hands running over my face softly. More than once I fell ill – victim to diseases I had no time to spend recovering from. When this was the case, I usually disregarded it and continued as if I had been whole and healthy. No matter how high the temperature reached, no matter how much I felt like every cell was at its breaking point, I pressed on for a cure.

And when I finally reached one, I wished with the very little left inside me that I had not discovered it.

I would have to use _you. _You, who were still anything but experienced in the ways of the world. It just made me sick. I wished I had never existed.

Mondo once more collapsed – just the day before three people that had proven compatible with three respective cards – major ones – were to establish contracts.

Sumire was torn with grief. She and I were in a similar predicament. We both wanted to do things for Mondo – and could not. She struggled – tried to use her Judgment to heal Mondo. Though there was a good chance that using Sumire would save Mondo, there was no way to tell what sort of reaction there would be if the World resisted her efforts.

Sumire chose to take that chance. She used her Judgment and poured everything she had into saving the man she loved. Unfortunately for her, the World resisted. Her body convulsed – electricity ran through it as she could take no more and fell faint. Dante caught her just in the nick of time.

And then – who should come in but _you._

Your hair was down again, and you were in your night dress. You must have been woken up by all the commotion we had created.

"Mamma? What's wrong…." You said, drowsily stepping forward, but obviously concerned about your mother.

I don't know if you did it consciously or not. All I know is that I saw your Wheel of Fortune contract mark glow – a sure sign it was being used. I took my sunglasses off in astonishment. Never before had I even mentioned to you the fact that you had another Arcana.

Anyhow, you healed Sumire, and just as she regained consciousness, you fell, all the strength your little body could summon spent. Instinctively I caught you – letting someone else do it did not enter my head.

Here I will take a break from my narrative to say a few things. The first is that I don't know what I thought was going to happen from that point on. Contractors of the Wheel of Fortune had been few and far between, so little information was recorded as to its effects and costs. Probably I thought that you would recover and everything would go on as usual – that, I suppose, would have been characteristic of the me of that time. But I felt it in my gut – nothing was going to be the same again.

I took you post-haste to my lab. I began checking your heart rates, monitoring your vitals closely, I don't believe I would have noticed it if every disaster Nature could summon came upon Regalo.

You seemed to be just fine. Your sleep appeared natural – just a way of recovery from energy spent.

Then came the cruelest, most heart-wrenching blow of all.

You lost your memories.

You lost me. You forgot everything we had done together, all those times we had spent together. I t seemed to me you were as good as dead. I reproached myself, and blamed myself for everything humanly possible. I lost the only friend I had made in a very long time.

Who would now come and keep me company on long, long days, when the work seemed to pile up without the inclination to finish it? Who would I go and buy chocolate cookies for? Whose ponytails would I tie from now?

After that, despite my vehement protests, Mondo shipped you off to live with a very distant relation somewhere definitely _not_ in Regalo.

Up to that point I think a little part of me had held on to the hope that you would remember. You would remember me, remember who it was that gave you your name, who it was that made you cookies, who it was that taught you about stupid unimportant things like the solar system and magnesium. At the moment I bid you goodbye, that part of me died a most horrendous death by being run over with a high-speed train.

You had lost all memories, and were not very responsive. I told you that even if you didn't remember me, I remembered you. More likely than not that information went in through one ear and out the other. I kissed your cheek for what I knew would be the very last time.

After that I became a shut –in.

The blow dealt to me had been too harsh to be borne lightly. For three months I refused to leave my laboratory, I curtained all the windows and only allowed as much light as was absolutely necessary into my rooms. The little things you had left behind you – they caused me more pain than I could believe. It was always the little things that hurt the most.

This place _reeked _of you.

There was a sandal of yours, carelessly strewn about. And there was a coat, which you had slung over a chair, it being too cool to need one. Ah, here was the wrapper from that new strawberry lollipop I had bought for no one but you.

The most painful thing was finding a little pink heart on the floor. I thought it was from one of your ponytails, the brown ones. For a long time, I could only sit on the floor and stare in the dim light at that heart. There was dirt on it, it had been stepped on, crushed underfoot, and a host of other things.

After an infinitely long time, finally I regained control of my senses. I picked up that heart, placed it in a plastic packet in my pocket (ironically, it was the one in which I had bought you some little sweets) and kept it under my pillow.

Day and night, I threw myself into my work with mad passion. Every man needs a reason for living – and since mine had been wrenched away from me, what else could I do but find a new one?

I won't deny that I never thought of suicide. I did. I had the most frightful schemes in my mind. But I suppose the little piece of me that had died was still alive. In intensive care, but alive.

So with zeal and zest only a madman would be capable of, I worked. I experimented, studied, did a whole lot of other things I had not bothered about before. I created an artificial human – Elmo – who was able to take the burden of one more card off Mondo. The fact that I clothed him in the exact same shade of orange of your hair does _not _have anything to do with you.

But before anything else, I erased every trace of yours from the entire building. I gathered every single scrap of evidence of your presence and stowed it all in a crate. I put a necklace – it was a dainty affair, with orange dotted gems forming a simple leaf – on top. Strange, for a leaf to be orange. It had caught my eye first thing when I saw it – and so I had bought it for you.

Now you were gone.

I meant to burn that crate someday, and free myself from your influence and memory. But I always kept putting it off. I never could find the resolve to forget you completely. Because once I burned that crate, the one last piece I had of you – the piece of _my _Felicità, of her existence – would blot out and pathetically fade.

And me? I had already suffered the same fate.

Months passed, seasons changed, and I had no intentions of going to the outside world. I was content to live here, with your haunting memory dancing over my eyes and blinding me, in the past. I would have done so as well.

Only… I heard you came back.

There was a mix of emotions coursing through my being when I heard that. I was happy, for one. Happy I could finally see you again. I was anxious. Would the Felicità I was going to meet be the same one I had known in the past? I was disgusted. Was I really so weak as to be fussing over a little girl's memory? A girl who would to me always remain as dead as the floor she walked on? I was angry. I was angry at a lot on things at that moment. I was angry at Mondo, for taking you away and then bringing you back equally suddenly. I was angry at _you _for gnawing your way into my heart and then leaving it to be inflicted with the most brutal pain. I was angry at myself.

I put all these emotions aside as simply as I might have brushed a speck of dust aside.

I went to visit you.

I could not stop my heart rate from rising. I had no control over my pulse. My nervousness was unparalleled.

Perhaps it would be better to say that I went to see you, instead of saying that I went to visit you. The distinction is of some importance, you know.

I saw you from the shadows. You did not see me. You were looking very professional and lethal. Black, black and weapons. Quite a choice of attire. You were talking to Nova and Dante's new protégé, Libertà, I think his name was. You were smiling at them and chatted with them.

I realized at that moment you could not have possibly regained your memories. I thought of going to you.

But then I saw it. A chance.

You would not remember my existence now. I was a complete stranger to you. That fact coupled with the fact that I had long grown used to being hollow in my heart – long since your absence – gave me an idea.

If I tried to get close to you as I had in your childhood days, I would only be causing myself pain – pain that could be avoided if only I returned back to my lab again.

You may call me a coward, or even a fool. I will not mind.

I had suffered. I had suffered a lot in the past few years. The goal that seemed to me most important was to bring an end to that suffering. When a man is hurt, his only thought is to get away from the pain.

So I turned around, and resolutely walked back through the shadows.

A little pink heart, in its plastic cover, broke.

I collapsed on the sofa as soon as I had divested myself of my hat, which lay in a sorry state, flung far away in some corner.

I was sweating.

You had this much a hold over me, and you didn't even know.

A mirror beside my bedside – quite a large one – showed me to myself for what I was. A pathetic, disgusting little coward who couldn't even face one titchy little girl.

I was inclined to agree.

I don't know how much time passed as I lay on that sofa. It may have been a minute, or it may have been an hour. Maybe even a day. I lay still and heard only the sound of my own breathing.

At length I sat up straight, and debated on the best course of action I could take.

Probably, I reflected, a thoughtful fist supporting my head, you would think of me in much the same way the others in Regalo had come to do. A creepy man, dressed in black, second in power only to the World, and who never bothered to make his intentions clear. Indeed, I wouldn't be surprised if they thought I was one of the villains.

Mondo wouldn't bother to tell you about me. I don't know why I thought that, but I had known Mondo for a long time, and I knew he wouldn't tell you about us. Whether that was for your sake or mine is up for debate.

I had a feeling then. I had a feeling that nothing I could have done or said, be it now or ever in my whole life, could have changed this. Nothing could have changed the fact that you would forget me. It was as if there was _someone – _I can't say who – who, hidden from our eyes, was playing a melody. A melody that sometimes played shatteringly slow, sometimes in fast, bubbling notes of joy and yet some more times in a monotonous, silent tune. We were nothing more than pieces – pieces that moved according to the melody that played on us.

That infuriated me.

I had hated being controlled – ever since I had heard of God, or any other such holy being, for that matter, who wielded absolute power without one weakness or flaw, I never believed in it. I wanted to be free – free to be who I wanted, do what I wanted. To imagine that there was someone controlling me, it just made me mad enough to rip my own hair out.

Anyways, I didn't think you would find anything amiss if I just continued my old lifestyle as a shut-in. In your mind, I was a stranger, someone you had never met. (The hand I clasped over my heart was _not _due to you).

So, with all the enthusiasm of a squished vermin, I proceeded to continue my old lifestyle. I avoided you as much as I could – which was a lot. I only ventured out at night, preferably after midnight. I think Sumire noticed it first. She has a way of doing that. It's in her blood. The first time she saw me, where I was excusing myself from a certain engagement not related to the Famiglia, she just gave me a simple glance with her eyes, and I had the feeling she had just dissected me and put me back together in a moment.

Then Mondo noticed, or I think he did. It's hard to be sure with someone like Mondo. If he did notice my reluctance to meet or stay with you, he never mentioned it… until a few days later.

"Jolly, you can't keep running away from her forever," he said.

"If that's so, then I'll just have to hold out as long as I can, won't I?" I replied.

That was the only conversation we had about it.

Or wait, was it? Maybe Mondo was referring to that waitress from Isis Regalo who had taken to stalking me for the past few days? Probably not… but then again, I can't be sure.

Though it may seem a bit abrupt, let me tell you that I still had that crate with all your things clean and shiny without a single blemish on it that I _swear _I will throw out tomorrow. I still had the little pink heart under my pillow. Heaven knows why I did.

And of course, I had a garden simply bursting with weeds.

I don't even know what the hell made me write that.

But anyways, I got back and set about weeding the thing. Again, I don't know why. It seems simply awful for a scientist to not know so many things…

I think the repetitive actions were relaxing me…

I pulled out the weeds one by one… rather like life pulled out the ones that were precious to me… I piled them all up in a wheelbarrow… it was a lot like how the regrets had accumulated in my heart… I dumped them all out in a discreet corner… like how I had been thrown away from your memories… and I looked back at the well-maintained garden, in which the previously crowded flowers were now the center of attraction…

Well, what meaning did that have?

I found it impossible to fit in that action with any time in my life. Never could I recall any moment where I had felt like the garden now looked, clean and beautiful… except of course when I had been with you in those days, before you lost your memories. That was how you had been, a fresh, blooming flower. At least that was how I had seen you then.

But that been in the past, hadn't it?

No, there was no way that could have been in the past. It was too near – too _close _to me for it to be real. I had been dreaming all this time. Of course! That was the perfect explanation! I had been _dreaming. _Simply _dreaming. _There, now, once I opened my closed eyes, I would feel the weight of your head on my arm, where you had just dozed off after putting me to sleep. I just needed to open my eyes…

But, I didn't want to.

If I opened my eyes, and saw you there, what if you were taken away from me a second time? Could I stand going through all of it – the pain, the sorrow, the regret – again? Was I strong enough?

I thought not.

But, to see you again…

I opened my eyes.

Instantly, if felt like I was falling. It took one-sixteenth of a second for the image before my eyes to travel into my brain and for me to recognize it. And in that fraction of a section, I experienced the most ridiculous and depressing fall there was.

Neither of those two words express properly what I felt then. Nor would it be apt to describe it as a _fall._ I felt so damn _foolish. _I was foolish for ever believing that it had all been a dream. I was foolish for wanting to return to the past. I was just foolish. I had really proven myself worthy of possessing _Il Matto _instead of my _La Luna. _

I had opened my eyes to the world, very little changed from the state I had left it in. For one thing, it had started raining sometime while I had been in the middle of my foolish reverie, and only now I realized I was soaked to the bone.

Wearily I got up to return indoors. I really can't tell you why, I just felt like crying at that time. I swung the creaking door nearly off its hinges, and closed it behind me as I took off my glasses to shake them free of the small drops of water that had fallen onto their surface.

Replacing them meticulously on the bridge of my nose, I walked back to my room at a leisurely pace. Well, I _was _surprised to find the lights full on. Oh, and of course, _you _there, picking up something from the sofa.

I cleared my throat to notify you of my presence.

You jumped up, startled, and immediately apologized for strolling in uninvited. You were dry, I noted, so that must mean you had been in here from quite a long time. I was badly shocked at the time, and I wasn't sure at all whether I could manage to control myself from telling you everything seeing you alone like this.

"And to what do I owe the pleasure of dear Ojou-sama's company?" I asked, voice as cool as ever.

"Oh, J-Jolly, I was going to meet up with you to decide on the details of the Duello, but you weren't in, so I thought I should wait, and I don't know how or why but my feet just seemed to lead me here without any particular reason and I was just going to have a seat but then I saw this heart on your sofa, and I was curious so-"

"The Duello, you say? I thought Mondo said that he would take care of that personally," I said. The frown that was not on my face made itself known in my voice as I reached up to snatch my precious heart from your hands. I hadn't taken it with me as I usually did because Mondo had called me urgently, and I had assumed it would take a short while. So I had left it on the sofa, for me to take in my hands when I came back.

Bad choice, apparently.

But wait. The room was a _lot _cleaner than I had left it. Really, my bed was made, which I could guarantee I had not done for months. There were _flowers _in my vase. Flowers that were actually _alive _and not dead crumbling stumps_. _That hadn't happened since forever. Since you had left.

And then it came to me.

_Thank you, Donatella, _I said mentally. Donatella had been helping me out on odd jobs now and then because her brother, or so she said, worked under me. That girl was a good cleaner.

Anyway, back to our conversation. You were telling me something.

"-but then Papa said that I should go and get your help in the organization of it, because he doesn't feel one hundred percent now."

"Oh, he doesn't, does he?" I said, cursing him in my head. Really, the lengths that man went to just for getting some alone time with his wife!

"Yes. I was going to head back because it looked like you weren't coming back soon, but then in suddenly started pouring buckets, and I really couldn't leave…" you said, "But I'll leave now, you look busy!"

That hurt.

That hurt _bad._

It hurt that you actually thought I would push you out in the rain while I stayed indoors.

Well, even if it hurt, I still couldn't let you do that, could I?

Come to think of it, I _could. _But there was no way I could allow myself to do so.

"My dear ojou-sama, I'd have my head on a platter by morning if I let you leave in this weather. So please _do _try to bear with me until this storm breaks." There now, wasn't that a nice way of putting it? Made it seem like it was more for my own concern and not yours that I was doing it.

You nodded, though I thought a trifle nervously.

"Um, J-Jolly?" you ventured, taking a seat on the sofa as I sat down on another one.

"Yes, F- Milady?" That had been close! Too close for my liking. I could not _believe _that even after all these years I still had the habit of calling you 'Felicità' like I had in the past. That was one more fragment of the past to sweep away. But that had been so familiar, your lovely voice speaking my name, that I had instinctively let it slip.

If you noticed the mistake, you never said anything about it. Instead you continued speaking. "Can- can I ask you where you got that heart from just now?"

I was surprised at first, because I had not expected you to come back to the subject just a few moments after I had successfully disposed of it. Then I was very apprehensive. If I made even one tiny slip here, it'd be the end of me. If not me, you would probably ask your parents, and Sumire would surely tell you about our previous relationship.

"It's a sort of keepsake," I hazarded, going through every word I said a hundred times to make sure there were no flaws in them.

"Of whom?"

"Of… a dead person," I said, praying.

"Well, actually, you see, I have something like that as well. I don't know how I got it, but for some reason I can't throw it away," you said, with a wistful look that was making me melt in my shoes, "I feel it's something from my childhood."

"Indeed?" I ended the question with a half a question mark and half a full stop.

You nodded, sipping the coffee I had brought for you earlier (I don't know _how _Donatella knew I was out of coffee).

"I dream about him sometimes," you said. My heart was in my stomach by then. My eyes were unbelievably wide behind my shades. If you _dreamed _about me, surely you knew it was me?

But wait… you _dreamed about me? _Shocked, I remembered things you had said before – things I had attached no special significance to…

'…_and I don't know how or why but my feet seemed to lead me here for no reason…'_

'…_I have something like that as well.'_

'_I think it's something from my childhood.'_

Wouldn't all this mean… you still had your memories?

I drew in a deep, deep breath through my nose, sat up straight as hell, and let out all that breath in a sigh. _Fu**. _See, that shows you how agitated I was. I _never _use bad words like that unless it's a special occasion.

"And so you have a toy heart like that?"

Was the topic change too abrupt, I wondered? But anyways, that was a good phrase. A toy heart. Was my heart a toy heart to you?

"Not exactly. Actually it's a set of hairbands, and one of them has a heart like yours on it. The other had one like it too, but I suppose it broke or something. The man in my dreams – my friend – they were a gift from him. They're brown, you know, and though they're a lot worn by now, I still use them. Under the ribbons," you explained.

I was just taking in the irony of it. I, who had bought and tied your soft hair with those hairbands, was being given a description of them.

I can't really describe the pain I felt at the time. There in front of me was the one thing I had strived and lived for the sole purpose of attaining, and I could do nothing to gain it.

_Nothing?_

Actually, if I thought about it, there was a lot I could do. I could tell you who the 'man in your dreams' was. I could spill the beans about everything.

And what would it result in?

Awkwardness. Nothing but that. To think that you would choose me over your new company – Nova, Libertà, Debito, Pace and all those people – was sheer madness.

I didn't realize it, and I was surprised when you said that the storm had passed, and you would be going now.

"Oh! I'm so sorry, but we haven't done anything about the Duello at all!" you turned to me, the anxiety glittering in your eyes.

I chuckled. "Don't worry about that, ojou-sama. Just tell Mondo I was too busy. Trust me, you'll find him more than willing to do them once you get back."

"Well, if you say so," you replied, a trifle doubtfully.

After you left, I went and cleared those coffee cups. Then I sat down heavily on my bed. I held my head in my hands.

My behavior's strange.

That was the first thought that passed through my mind. The temporary high – if that had been what it was, I cannot be sure – had passed. I was myself again.

But really, my behavior was strange. First I spent all those times avoiding you, and when you showed up on my doorstep I did nothing and felt nothing? Really?

_I am so going mad._

With that comforting thought buzzing around in the walls of my head, I decided to resume my research into the latest top-secret project I was working on.

I didn't notice the dawn come, or the sun rise, or the birds chirp. I was busy with my work, and anyways there weren't many windows in my laboratory. I only noticed the door creak open, announcing somebody's arrival.

Putting down the pinkish chemical I was working with, I sauntered down to the entrance.

"Oh, it's you, Donatella," I said, recognizing the distinctive haircut of the maid, "Aren't you supposed to be at work?"

"It's Sunday, sir, it's my day off," she said.

"And you are here because?"

"Because, sir, I thought I'd untangle the messy lump your wet clothes would be in,"

"How did you know my clothes would be wet?"

"I had a feeling they would be, sir."

"And why was it so urgent that you had to come over on the very next day?"

"Wet clothes bundled up start to smell after a while, sir."

Satisfied with her answers, I bade her continue, and I myself moved to exit the room.

A second thought made me come back.

"Say, Donna?"

"Yes, sir."

"You do attend on Felicità, right?"

"Yes, sir."

"What is she like – I mean, is she like… before?"

Donatella took the 'before' term as it was meant to be, and replied in her always businesslike manner with, "No, sir, she's not."

Clear-cut, to-the-point and completely devoid of curiosity or any other emotion, for that matter. I liked that girl.

"Sir, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to ask you something."

"Fire away."

"Mondo-sama… will he live long?"

Although taken a bit by surprise, I replied. "Depends. He may and he may not."

"In case of his death before the completion of the Arcana Duello, who inherits the title?"

"Well, it depends on who he's willed it to."

"Thank you, sir,"

That was the end of the conversation.

Later that day I had to go over to Mondo's. Today he was making it official: the Arcana Duello was going to start.

I won't go into detail about that, since I think you remember it quite clearly. But I was pleased you had grown enough of a spine to oppose your father. Not, of course, that Mondo had any _real _intention of blocking your path. He was only making sure he died with his daughter's future secured.

Of course, I can't say I was unmoved by your display of protest, but I wasn't overly moved by it either, since I knew Mondo's real intentions.

Let me push in a little tidbit of information here. To all those who will read this, I am making it very clear that the Felicità I knew was not the Felicità in front of me. To me, they were two different personalities. One was dead, the other vehemently denying the removal of her rights in front of me.

One was dead… yes, that was so, but maybe I could bring her back to life…

The announcement over, people proceeded with their daily routines, the excitement bubbling in their veins.

The next few days were particularly filled with inactivity. I spent my time in my lab again. Sometimes Donna dropped by. One of those times she spoke to me.

"Sir-?"

"Yes, Donna?"

"Sir, if you want to get Miss Felicità's memories back so much, why don't you?"

I was taken aback, to say the least. I hadn't expected a frontal assault, and definitely not from her, out of all people.

"Well, I really can't."

"Why not, sir? You have your card."

I must have been wrongly born as a human. At that time I was prepared to abase myself and swear that I had the intelligence level of a dog. Maybe even a hen. Fool that I was, I had never thought about it, _La Luna's _power was to bring back memories by force!

But even then there were setbacks. Roadblocks I could not pass so easily.

"It wouldn't be fair to her. And I don't know how Mondo would take it, or even whether the method would succeed." I dismissed her with that tone of voice.

"Speaking of, sir. Would it be possible for anyone to make a contract with one of the tarocco as long as they're compatible?"

"Anyone?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, yes. Social status, wealth, nothing matters as long as the card wants you,"

Well, well, here was something new. I couldn't really gauge her reasons for asking me this.

"Thank you, sir."

After Donatella had left, I thought long and hard about it. About forcing your memories back. Certainly, it would be good for me. But if it failed - ? What should I do then? Already I could see the infinitesimal black hole I would fall into.

That problem, however, was not meant for me to take a stand in.

You solved that yourself, when you tried to heal your father using the Wheel of Fortune. True, I had provided some of the stimulus to kick start your actions, but I had only done it in a moment of weakness. The confusion had been taking its toll on me. I thought that if you healed Mondo, then he'd get well, and you wouldn't even lose your memories, I reasoned, because of my card.

It must have given you a turn – feeling yourself losing your soul.

For the moment I could do nothing to help you – doing so would attract attention towards me I had no need for. Hence, just for now, the two boys Nova and Libertà would take care of you.

As for myself, I was waiting.

Soon I would be able to go and help you – get your memories back… get _my _Felicità back, the Felicità that I loved back…

Freeze.

Love?

Really?

Nope. I must be drunk. (I ignored the fact that I hadn't touched anything even vaguely alcoholic ever since my birth).

So, while I'm drunk, why not use the situation to my advantage?

Drunk people lose their sense of propriety, you know. When a man is drunk, ask him if he loves you – and what he says will be the truth. Drunk people are the truest, most instinctual selves of the sober ones.

So, then, using the fact that I was totally drunk, why not be true to myself for once? Let me examine myself from the inside.

Let's see. Did I want to get little Fel back?

Yes, yes I did. I would give most of everything to do that. I wanted my little Felicità to stroke my hair again, and to sing her lullabies to me again. I wanted to buy her chocolates and have Mondo give me the stank eye for how much I pampered her.

But that couldn't be love, or anything remotely related to it.

Because it wouldn't be normal – _sane _for a girl like you, who had so many choices for a man to spend her life with, to want to be with me. It went, I felt, far beyond anything that was possible. Only a madwoman would do such a thing.

I always envisioned myself like someone in the background – insignificant, definitely not one of the main characters. And who was I, really? Just a crazy, shut-in man who couldn't hold a proper conversation without creeping out the person at the other end. Not the ideal partner for a person like you.

No, definitely not.

It surprised me I felt no bitterness at the thought. I didn't really feel much of anything, actually. I was numb, finally. After all those years of pain and suffering, I was numb… in a place where nothing and no one could reach me, be it light or darkness…

I had no desire to get out of that place. I knew well the dangers that lurked outside it.

So even though it was the daytime, I went out for a stroll.

Passing the time counts, you see.

I… wish I hadn't done that. But maybe again, it was lucky?

I think I attracted quite a bit of attention, the finest alchemist on the island as I am. Well, the public was never meant to be heard. I didn't really know where I was going. I only let myself walk and take in the sights I never had before.

But nothing keeps going on forever.

Eventually I thought of other things – the Duello, for instance. The winner was promised a wish and your hand in marriage…

Damn the wish, I'd rather just take your hand in mine, feel its smoothness and bound away, together, to a happy future.

Of course, as usual, my wish was no one's command.

But no, seriously, if I really managed to win this Duello, I wondered if you'd marry me- Probably not. And even if you did, there was no effing way your friends would let you. And even if they did, there was no effing way your mother would let you. Mondo had already said that he wouldn't like it if I won and married you.

But you know, that wasn't really a refusal…

Damn lovesick people and their twisted, hopeful minds.

"Dante, do you have yourself a date?"

This could not be happening. _Dante _had himself a date? _Dante? _

Meeting the bald man in the midst of my walk, I had been surprised to hear him want a favor from me. Me, of all people. And now, hearing the reason, my surprise was considerably reduced. Because, as they say, no fool like an old fool.

The well-known pirate of the sea blushed just an itsy bit.

"It's not exactly a _date… _I'm just gifting something to an old friend."

"Old friend? You met her three weeks ago."

"Jolly, cut me some slack here…"

"No."

"Please…"

"No."

"Please! I really need to give something to Federica!"

"Federica? So she's the one you've been gallivanting off with and slacking off work for, while others work doubly hard in your stead, toiling in the…"

"Jolly. I still have a contract with L'Imperatore."

"Your third most powerful card to my second most?"

"Man, will you just cut the crap and say yes or no?"

"That makes it sound like a marriage proposal."

"… _Fu** you."_

"Fine, fine. Go skip work. I'll take care of your job, but you will be owing me something in the future…"

"Thank you, Jolly! I'll never forget this!"

And the man positively ran off. Really, I hate love.

As of now, it was without a doubt _everywhere, _judging by the amount of people giving each other coo-coo eyes. Disgusting. Upsetting. Nauseating.

Was there something like the season of love? If that was so, then this was definitely it.

You're probably wondering why I'm telling you this unnecessary detail. Well, don't you doubt it, I need to.

But, leaving off those details, it was finally time. The two novices had finally realized that they couldn't do anything that wasn't useless and had called me in.

The Debito boy tried to attack me (I really can't find out why he hates me so much… not), and I can't really say it was overall a joyful welcome. But anyways, finally I got to you. So like a mere plaything, you were. You didn't protest no matter what anybody did to you. As good as dead, wasn't that? But that wasn't death, not as long as your heart was beating.

I took off my glasses and carefully tucked them in my pocket. I raised your head up by the chin. My face close to yours. Noses _almost _touching.

How could paradise even remotely compare to this?

But… this was wrong. I shouldn't have done this. If you were my only brilliant, colorful flash in the dark, and I would be unable to attain you, then wouldn't it be better to close my eyes, and let them adjust to the darkness?

Back to work.

I tried to focus everything I had into that one move, La Luna Sonno – to bring back your memories. I didn't know how deep your memory loss was, or if the _Ruota della Fortuna _would even let me release the seal on them. I thought of all those times I had spent with you, I thought about how adorable it looked when you turned over your shoulder, with your hair down, to give me a special smile. I thought how cute the red in your cheeks was when Dante gave you Fukulota as a pet.

I succeeded in getting myself in your head. Actually it was only my consciousness that entered into yours; my body slumped down to the floor in a heap but still maintained both physical and mental contact with yours.

My powers weren't as effective as I'd hoped they would have been. The surroundings around me were a mystery – I couldn't see anything minus the darkness.

I ran and ran and ran. I tried to find the center in this wicked maze – I tried to find you. All my efforts were being in vain… until suddenly the surroundings got a lot clearer, and I mean a _lot _clearer. I regained control of my own body for a brief moment.

"I'll use my Arcana powers to push yours to the limit," Mondo was saying. That would be a great help. The World helping would probably have meant finding you would be child's play.

But…

"No…" I rasped out, anxious not to lose the mental link I had made with you. "I want to do this. Mondo, please let me do at least this much… by myself… for her…"

Mondo was taken aback. I could see that, even in my condition. "Jolly, you can't do it alone," he said.

I shook my head again. "No… I'll either do this or die trying…" I coughed out. _Not much meaning in living without her, _I wanted to add, but I couldn't.

Finally Mondo nodded. "Do your best, Jolly."

I grinned back at him as best as I could – but I didn't have any time to inspect the results, as I was back again in the dark of your mind.

A mind without memories was scary…

What would I have to do to see?

Maybe if, instead of trying to see everything, I could see a little portion of everything, this might work out?

I poured my every emotion into that bubble I wanted to build around me.

_You won't be able to breach my defenses with just that much, La Luna, _said a voice from a card… Ruota della Fortuna!

If I got caught in its taunts, probably that would be the end of both me and you. More energy I expelled from my body. Nevertheless, the card continued its mockery. It exhausted every possible weak point I had ten times over.

_You have no reason for doing this, _the card said, _you have no source or goal from which to draw energy from. How pitiful._

Draw energy from?

"Damn you…" I said, finally reaching my breaking point, "Who the bloody hell do you think you are to say that I've nothing from with to get my energy from? I have her! I have my Felicità! I need to get back her memories… for her own sake, and for my own! What the hell do you think gives you the right to tell me bullcrap like that?"

I think the card was taken off guard by the sudden strong burst of will emanating from me.

Blurry shapes began to take form around me… greying snow drifted onto the ground…

_You fool! You'll never be able to get back her memories! They're mine! I'm not handing them over to the likes of you!_

"That may be so," I told the card, "but I'm a selfish man. I want my angel back. I don't care whether she's yours by right or not, because I'll get her for myself, be the methods right or wrong! I love her, even if she can't love me back."

With that final admittance, which I had no idea of the power it contained, I could see. I saw for miles and miles around. Just masses of snowing land, which was so damn out of character. Snow fit _me, _not you.

The card taken care of, at least for the moment, I concentrated on getting rid of that damn storm around me. I was going to use my Arcana. That would have cut through all that snow with a flick of the wrist. That was what I would have done, if it wasn't for me seeing you at the fatal moment.

And I don't mean the older you, I mean the you I loved.

In a white dress again, and your hair still down in that adorable bob cut, standing there barefoot in the snow.

You smiled at me.

So _sad. _In never saw anything more saddening than that smile. I probably won't, either. It was sadder than even how I was. Sadder than all the grief in the world.

You waved at me.

I ran to you.

"Felicità… How can you…" I tried to form a comprehensive sentence but each word seemed to evaporate from the tip of my tongue.

"Jolly!" you said, and threw your little arms around my waist. I knelt down on the freezing ground and put my trembling hands on your shoulders to get a better look at your face. You were pale and unhappily thin, but that was it. The rest of you, your kind smile, energetic spirit, they were all intact.

"Little Felicità, just where have you been all this while?" I whispered, and hugged you to my chest hard. Very hard. Very very hard. Your skin was bitingly cold, almost deathly cold. I didn't realize it, but I was smiling a full broad smile with my purple eyes expressing my happiness far better that my words could. You smiled back at me this time, and there was no sadness about it nowadays. Just deep, profound joy, even though I got the sense that you were severely startled.

"Jolly? Is that Jolly?" you asked, running your hands over my face.

"Yes, Felicità, it's me," I replied to you, still kneeling on the snowy ground, cupping your little face in my hands. All those years I had spent mourning your absence, every single moment without you – I felt it was worth it if I could feel _this _happy finally meeting you again. Now my heart throbbed with joy almost enough to burst, and love and what else I cannot say, I was too busy making sure you were _real _and _solid _and wouldn't disappear into mist and dreams if I let go of you.

I don't know how long I spent there embracing you. At length I finally realized I couldn't spend much more time like this. I would lose you again because taking my consciousness out of its home made my body basically a corpse. If I stayed here too long, and didn't release your memories, again you would remain just another dead memory.

"Felicità, what's wrong with your eyes?"

I hadn't even noticed it before, but they were glassy and way too reflective than any normal person's would be. Almost as if…

"It's because I'm blind here," you said, confirming my suspicions. "I'm not allowed to make any more memories, so I lost my eyes here."

Blind… someone like you being blind…

"Okay, Felicità, I'm going to get you your eyes back. Do you understand?" You nodded. "So I need you to tell me if you've se- I mean, felt any other presence here. Have you?"

You scrunched up your forehead in an attempt of concentration. "Well, there're the cards. Two of them. And there's also a girl. She came here a few days ago. Probably."

"Girl? Where is she?"

"Right there," you said, pointing to somewhere behind me.

_In the name of all that is unholy, _I thought. I didn't really know how I had managed to miss such a gigantic thing. A big, big tree sprouted out of the ground, with many a vine peeking out. And there was the other, older Felicità wrapped in vines, almost to the point of suffocation, but of course I can't say for sure. She was unconscious.

"Okay, Felicità, will chopping off those vines work?"

"They'll grow back," you said, "No use even trying."

"Then how do you free that girl?"

"You can cut off all the vines at once, or you can cut off the source," you said.

"Where's the source?"

"Well," you said, taking a step closer to me, "That's me."

Once more. Once more a cruel, spiteful choice given to me. Kill the girl I loved and had spent years trying to find, or attempt a nearly impossible Herculean task?

"So you can just use a sword if you have one," you continued, "or maybe a gun? But Jolly doesn't seem the type of man to carry guns…"

"Felicità, what are you talking about?"

You opened your blind green eyes very wide. "Why, how to set about killing me, of course,"

"What the hell put that idea into your head?"

"Well, you want to save that girl, don't you? So you have to kill me,"

"Listen to me, Felicità. I would rather die the most horrible and painful death possible ten times over than spill your blood even once. So don't _ever _ask me to do something like that again. Do you understand?"

I had been shaking you roughly by the shoulders in anger. I was angry at you, because had you actually expected me to say "Okay, dear," and blast your head off? Did I look like I didn't care that much? Surely not. Surely you knew better? You did, didn't you? Because asking me to do something like that was like asking a hale and hearty man to jump off the highest bridge in the world.

You stayed quiet. Then, all out of the blue, little tears escaped your eyes and you started sobbing and crying and threw yourself on my body, so that I stumbled backwards with the force. I ended up sprawled out on my back in the snow, with you on top of me, still sobbing like anything.

I sat up and put your head to my heart, and my arms around you.

"Little Felicità, what's wrong?"

"But…thatisbecause.. Jollysaidthat… nobodyevertoldme…" after that your sobs wouldn't let me make out a single word you said.

"Little Felicità, I'll tell you something. After you lost your memories, I was very sad. I was so sad I didn't leave the inside of my house for months, and even after that I only went out late, when no one would be around. I missed you so much, little Felicità, and now I've finally found you I've no intention of letting you go, you understand? I'm going to bring you home safe and sound to Mamma and Papa and Luca. Alright?"

I think that by this time you had gained better control of your senses. You wiped your eyes with a balled-up fist and nodded at me. Then you got off me, allowing both of us to stand up. I bent down to kiss your cheek one last time before I left you and saved the older version of you. After that soft chaste kiss, I whispered softly to you, _"Ti amo, piccola Felicità. Ti ho sempre amato, e anche se so che non mi può amare indietro, io ancora continuo ad amarti, fino al giorno della mia morte."_

So saying my parting words, I turned back, a confident and a teensy bit cocky smile playing on my lips. There was no way I was going to lose you one more time. I was sure of myself and my powers. As I reached the base of the monstrous tree, a blue bubble shield materialized from the snap of my fingers, as easily as stretching a muscle. It flew up to you – the older you - and dissipated around your body until you were completely inside it.

Then at my command, everything outside the shield was cut off from the inside – to put it in plain language, I created a separate dimension inside my shield. As soon as that finished, the vines surrounding it fell limp down – only to be replaced by several others that grew fresh. They 'caught' the bubble by completely cupping it.

But La Luna was not to be defeated so easily. Everything external that came into contact with my shield dissolved into invisible atoms that could pose no threat. This cycle continued until finally I brought you within safe distance of the ground, after which my shield finally snapped. It was exhausting creating new dimensions, even for such short times. The power drain price was huge.

The moment you hit the ground, the snow started melting rapidly. There may have been grass underneath all that six foot deep white blanket; I cannot say, for the entire place started glowing blindingly bright and I was forced to close my eyes.

With difficulty shielding my eyes, I squinted behind me to try and search for you, little Felicità, before I was forced back to my own body. I could feel it – my purpose here was over, and hence my consciousness was fading fast.

If I could only catch one little glimpse of you –

It was too bright to see comfortably. Using my hand to shield my eyes a little, I squinted around for just one teensy glimpse of you… and I found it.

It was too bright to see your face; only your outline was visible, and even that was dark. You were waving – weren't you? A big, wide, broad wave – as if a wave of goodbye for a long, long time.

I wasn't really as confident as I appeared about getting both the old Felicità's and the child Felicità's memories back. Surely I would get back the older ones; that I had no doubt in, but yours I was not sure about…

No, I wasn't sure at all…

When I finally assimilated and synchronized back into my real body, I was lying down with extremely blurry vision when I opened my eyes. I could feel the presence of people around me. There was Mondo, and Libertà, and even Nova…

"Papa, he's awake," I heard Libertà's voice saying.

Then there was Mondo's worried face over mine. The wrinkles on his faces looked a lot more pronounced than usual.

"Jolly, Jolly – can you hear me?"

"I can hear all of you loud and clear as day," I rasped out, and tried to sit up despite the dull throbbing in my head.

I succeeded, and realized I was sitting on the sofa in the room you and I had previously been in. That chair of yours was empty, and I was too scared to make an assumption about your condition – good or bad.

"Give him some air, everybody," Libertà yelled.

Mondo plopped down beside me on the couch. "Hey there, old fella. How're you doing?"

"I'm doing just fine," I told him between heavy breaths. Which wasn't exactly what I was feeling at all. After a pause, I added: "How is Feli- Ojou-sama?"

"She's alive and kicking, old boy," Mondo said, grinning, "Looks like you really outdid yourself this time,"

"Where is she?"

"Resting. In her room. Like you should be."

"All in good time, Mondo. Can I see her before I leave?"

"She's sleeping like a log, Jolly. There's nothing much to see."

"Still."

"Okay, okay, fine. You always were as stubborn as a mule."

"Thank you, Mondo," I said as I got to my feet. The room pitched and spun around me – and for a moment I thought I might actually and pathetically faint. Thankfully, I got used to it pretty soon, and was able to walk normally to your room. I turned to close the door behind me, but on second thought I put my head in and spoke to Mondo.

"Mondo. If she doesn't remember who brought her memories back…" I began. Nova and Libertà threw me both glances of disgust which confused me until I finally got what they thought I was going to do. Probably they were expecting "If she doesn't remember who brought her memories back, then do tell her for me," Well, well, I've never been particularly good at meeting expectations.

"…then there's no need to tell her. And that goes for you two as well. What she doesn't know won't kill her. Got that?"

Both the boys' mouths hung open so wide you could pop a goldfish in, while Mondo grinned in that signature style of his and nodded.

"I got you."

Coming up to the door of your room, I turned the handle and opened it wide. Stepping inside I was welcomed with girlish squeals from two of the maids whose names I cannot for the life of me remember. Donatella stayed quiet.

"Sir, this is Madame Felicità's room! I must insist that –" the taller one began. She quit when she caught sight of me, the man popularly considered to be the reincarnation of evil on the island of Regalo.

"I think you'd like to have a little alone time with the mistress, sir?" Donatella said.

"Thank you, Donna, that's exactly what I'd like."

She nodded and walked towards the door, beckoning the other two girls to follow her, who were staring at Donna with their jaws hitting the floor, both at the fearless way she spoke to me, and my calling her 'Donna.'

They were too shocked to resist, and followed her like little lost lambs.

I love having that effect on people.

But anyways, Mondo really _was _right was he said you were sleeping like a log. Perfectly straight, arms and legs neatly arranged. I didn't like that – it looked a tad too much like a funeral corpse arrangement. Anyways, beggars can't be choosers, can they? Walking forward to you, I was relieved to see the regular rise and fall of your chest as you took uniform breaths.

Your hands weren't as cold as little Felicità's had been, back in that place. Looking at you now, I was forced to wonder: whose face was I looking at?

Was it my Felicità or not?

Would it ever be my Felicità?

If it wasn't my Felicità, what would I do? Would I feel that all my efforts had been in vain?

Perhaps I should cross that bridge when I came to it.

But the waiting was pure hellish agony itself. After satisfying myself you weren't going to perish anytime soon, I wearily went back to my own lab. But before I set off, perhaps you'd like to know about this little conversation Mondo and I had.

He was waiting for me at the gates. As I reached him he placed a hand on my shoulder and spoke.

"Jolly, how are you?"

A simple sentence, really. Consisting of three small words, with three letters each. But there was a wealth of meaning behind it.

"Fine."

"Look, Jolly, I'm not good at expressing myself and I never will be. That's why I'll ask you straight out: What was your reason in getting back Felicità's memories?"

"No particular reason," I said, idly drawing patterns in the ground with the tip of my shoe, "I just wanted to do something for her."

"Why?"

That reaction was unexpected.

"Well, I like her. Or at least, I used to. When she was little. You know, before you shipped her off to somewhere in Coventry."

Then Mondo did what I would never expect him to do. He caught me by the scruff of my shirt and held me there.

"Look, Jolly, I'm not beating around the bush anymore. I'll tell you this: You're in love with my daughter," the shocked looked on my face didn't do anything to deter him from continuing, "You know it, and I know it. But what I want to ask you is this: are you really in love with her? Or do you just want to play with her for a while and toss her in the trashcan?"

"Mondo, I would kill myself before I did anything remotely threatening to her, and you know it,"

He thought for a while, and then let my shirt go. "Yes," he said, "I know it. That's why I want you to answer this question seriously. Jolly, are you willing to stay by my daughter Felicità's side, even when she doesn't want you there, even when she hates you to the core?"

"Yes," I said, just a teensy bit breathless even though I didn't know why, "I will. I'll do all that and more. I swear I'll never let you or her down, Mondo."

Then he walked back into the house, saying behind him, "Then I'll hold you to your promise, Jolly boy! See you next time!"

Mondo had never been particularly readable.

Hmm.

Certainly looked alright.

Felt alright too.

Yup, it was alright.

So saying, I popped the three-days-past-its-best-by-date strawberry into my mouth.

Delicious. Strawberries are so sweet, won't you agree? And then silently I gazed out from the window of Mondo's room as you talked to those boys.

Hmm.

Certainly looked alright.

Felt alright too.

Yup, it was alright.

So thinking, I permitted myself to feel a teensy bit proud of myself. (After I'd gotten over the laughing fit from using the same analogy for both you and a strawberry.)

Though Mondo's condition was still deteriorating, the new you with the new memories was here. Of course, your memories didn't come back all at once. Piece by piece they came back and meshed with others already present to form a whole picture. Even by my estimates it would take a few days more for them to come completely back.

Anyhow, most of your memories were already back to normal, and apparently the Lovers were going to nullify the Wheel of Fortune's compensation, though how was beyond me.

Sumire was really on top of the world, along with Mondo at seeing her daughter be brought 'back to life', so to speak.

I was glad as well. Only I would have been a lot gladder if I knew for sure whether _those _memories would come back or not.

Keeping in accordance with my request, no one had told Felicità what I did to bring her memories back. Neither had she herself remembered anything.

It was all quite maddening.

-  
And now, finally, the day had come.

You walked down the aisle in white, Mondo's hand through yours, as he led you to – what the hell am I saying?

It was the day of the Arcana Duello. No more and no less.

They started with randomly matching opponents to each other, which weeded out the weakest ones soon. Then as the number was halved those people were matched together – well, of course, all the major cards – Temperance, the Hermit, Strength, the Emperor, the Fool, and Death – won hands down.

Quite normal. Predictable, even.

So what was out of place here?

Why, me, of course.

Yes, I was taking part in it. The Duello. The Arcana Duello. And so far I was having an easy time. Even though I was considering turning myself in to an asylum first thing after I finished this. I don't even know why I'm taking part in something like this-

After the meaningless battles, you were matched up against Debito, whom you took care off rather like shaking off a fly. The same went for Pace and Luca. I doubt it took more than a minute to take care of them all.

But of course, I've got to include the details…

"Are you three losers having a pity party?" I said, seeming to materialize from the dark at the three childhood friends, who really _did _look like they were having a serious pity party.

"Shut up, you old man. I always thought you would withdraw from the tournament." Debito snapped. The unspoken _Why didn't you _hung in his eyes.

Pace said, "Usually that wouldn't be allowed,"

And then Luca said something so insulting I was prepared to turn him inside out. "I'm sure you could have used your position as advisor to do so," Really, the cheek! Suggesting that I would make use of a position I had been entrusted with in all seriousness.

"As advisor, I could tell you why you three lost," I spoke.

"There's no need for that. It's just the fact that Milady has grown a lot stronger than we imagined," said, predictably, Luca. That dog-like devotion was _so _characteristic of him.

Smoothly continuing and taking pleasure in it, I continued, "The fact that that was the only reason you could come up with would be why you lost. The correct answer is that Ojou-sama won because she has to use the Wheel of Fortune."

"Why would she use the tarocco that would make her lose her memories again?" barked (tee hee) out an infuriated Luca.

"He's right. And Papa's safe now, sore there's no more need to…" always optimistic, Pace.

"It can't be…" a moment of rather scripted silence where the other two turned toward him before Debito continued, "The relation between Papa and the World…"

"A surprisingly bright insight coming from you," I said. I just love doing things to that boy. "With Ojou-sama's present strength, she was unable to change the relationship between Mondo and the World."

"Then Papa will…" Luca began, clearly realizing what would happen to Mondo.

I nodded towards his direction. "However Ojou-sama has learned from the Lovers that they would nullify the Wheel of Fortune's compensation."

"What exactly does this mean?" Luca voiced everybody's thoughts on the matter.

I turned back and walked away, leaving them to their pity party. "It means that no one other than Ojou-sama can save Mondo." _Or me… _I thought pessimistically.

I left the three boys to their pity party.

They resumed theirs, and I mine.

-  
**A/N: Lol, very incomplete story! I wrote this story November 2012… I didn't post it up because I thought it was too melodramatic, but now I just don't care… please tell me what you think? What more do you want from this story? Did you cry? Did you laugh? I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING! Love you…. And please tell me if I should just delete this story.**


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